A thirteen-word summary.

They whirl you around, and you play Duck Hunt, and that's the ride.

- Andrew's first impression of Toy Story (Midway) Mania!

BAAAAnter.

IAN
California Pizza Kitchen's menu over-stimulates me. If I ordered a pizza with, y'know, pizza toppings, I'd be an asshole--but their other pizzas are like those jelly beans from Harry Potter. "Tapioca and urine and sour cream! It turns crimson under a blacklight!"

JOAN
I just like the one with the goat cheese. I'll eat 'goat cheese and snot,' as long as there's goat cheese on the sucker. I honestly can't tell you what else is on that particular pizza. Peppers, maybe...

IAN
Y'know, I can't remember if I've ever had goat cheese. How would you describe it?

JOAN
Like a mouth orgasm. But less vicious.

IAN
I returned to Judaism this summer, so if that's accurate, I'll have to eat the goat cheese through a hole in a sheet. Will this hinder my experience?

JOAN
Just make it a big hole.

These people make me want to fly a plane into them.

I was debating the "Ground Zero mosque" with some Islamophobes on Facebook--when someone commented:

I think it's cool that we can have conversations like these openly and freely; that is what makes America great.

Well said!

We're great because we spend our time debating whether to restrict the rights of innocent people!

U-S-A!
U-S-A!
U-S-A!

I've found a nice process!

I'm re-writing my first screenplay (the one about the rats who are trying to evolve into birds).

Every day, I:

print out the script,

re-re-re-write the existing scenes,

write new scenes,

plan for later sequences,

type it all up,

sleep,

and repeat.

I'll be immodest and say that the first eleven pages are tighter than a virgin's doughnut. They're among the best work I've ever done.

It's amazing how much confidence this instills in my work...

...and even more amazing that every single professor at USC discouraged us from re-visiting old scenes. They would have lynched me for following this process.

You'd think that a writing program would emphasize 'finding a writing process that suits you,' instead of 'loathing your work and yourself.'

But I guess that's important...they probably have a lot of screenwriting students who are too well-balanced.

A wrestling comic.

World Wrestling Entertainment spent three months promoting Bryan Danielson as an up-and-coming star...

...and then they fired him.

Danielson’s crime? He choked a guy.

Yes, a professional wrestler was fired for choking a guy on a professional wrestling show.

Fans have been perplexed since June--but I’ve investigated the case thoroughly, and believe that my findings will clarify WWE’s actions.

I'm proud to present...

Click to enlarge.

Indiana Jones and the Cave of Wonders Secret of the Stone Tiger.

To promote Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Disneyland added a live Indy show.

Here's the video, which I only include for completion's sake. Spare yourself: it's bad...featuring lame fight choreography, stultifying stretches of audience participation, and an Inception's worth of exposition (signifying nothing).

What's important: Rachel the archeologist is our protagonist for most of the show. She's boring, but nice, and she actually bothered to show up on time for Indiana Jones and the Secret of the Stone Tiger...unlike Indiana Jones.

After seven hours, Indy stumbles in, unapologetic, and hands Rachel an idol which turns her evil. I think she's possessed by a tiger ghost or something.

So Indiana Jones beats up a boring, nice, small, punctual girl.

And then--instead of trying to exorcise whatever's possessing the boring, nice, small, punctual girl--Indiana Jones lets her die a fiery death, and quips, "Well...I can't say I didn't warn her!"

And then the show ends.

Awesome.

NBC's logo is a horny peacock.

Look at him; trolling for peapussy.

But he turns fifty-five next year, and he's thinking about hanging up the ol' plumage (which will likely be pinned on a gypsy's turban, and his body will be ground up and mixed into hot dogs).

Here are the front-running mascots to replace NBC's horny peacock. (Be grateful I haven't illustrated 'em.)

A bull with swollen, rainbow-colored testicles.

A fish jizzing on a cluster of rainbow-colored eggs.

A deer squirting rainbow-colored musk.

A snail stabbing rainbow-colored sex-holes into its mate.

A duck flashing its multiple rainbow-colored vaginal passages.

A face-hugger, laying rainbow-colored eggs into John Hurt's chest.

A slut bent over, her rainbow-colored thong whale-tailing.

A pederast in a van, offering rainbow-colored candy.

FURY.

I've been asking my editor for the size limits on my pro wrestling comic since April, and on Monday he replied, "Microscopic." At that size, I'd have to re-draw everything to make it visible...and it took a month to make the comic...

...and our site launches this Sunday.

To make matters worse, today I got access to post on the site...and it doesn't recognize the HTML for displaying images...and it doesn't host images.

So even if I had a microscopic comic, I wouldn't be able to display it, and I'd have to upload the image to, like, LiveJournal, or some other third party website.

I busted my ass to make a decent comic for their debut--and it took a solid month of work--which I did for free. They've known I would be contributing comics since April, and they haven't done a single thing to prepare for it.

I'm waaaay close to burning the bridge and offering my services to an established website.

I love Dreamworks Animation so much, I might marry it.

A friend posted this short on Facebook, commenting, "This is pretty funny...and accurate." Because I'm a well-balanced individual, it aggravated my boobs into a knot.

Fine, Pixar's never had a flop, financially speaking, but creatively, Cars is an abortion--and it's guilty of MANY of the accusations that this short makes against Dreamworks.

I'm tired of hearing about "Pixar's undefeated streak" when one of their protagonists exclaims, "Holy Porsche!" and then makes a joke about tramp-stamps. If Shrek were about anthropomorphic vehicles instead of fairy tales, it would be Cars.

Also, this short avoids praising (the excellent) How to Train Your Dragon by predicting that Dreamworks will cheapen it with a sequel--MEANWHILE, Toy Story 3 is ONLY effective when it's resting on the laurels of its predecessors.

And the fact that Pixar got sloppy with Toy Story 3 doesn't bode well for the truck-load of sequels that they're now planning. If they couldn't put some effort into their flagship franchise, what're the odds that they'll do anything decent with Cars or Monsters Inc.?

And since I'm already being a bitch, I'll throw this out there: Chicken Run and Wallace and Gromit: the Curse of the Were-Rabbit are PHENOMENAL...

...Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas out-classes every adventure movie Disney's attempted in the last twenty years...

...and if Disney or Pixar had produced the Prince of Egypt, the film would be considered a modern animation classic.

All Dreamworks Animation.


After I posted this, my friend replied:

I disagree with you entirely... but then, you're also the guy who thinks that Toy Story (Midway) Mania! is a PoS, so it's kind of expected. lol. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I do give you kudos though, because although you might not have the most popular opinions around, you at least back your views up with facts. That is something rarely seen these days.

I like how he managed to be condescending, "disagree with me entirely," AND prove that "people don't back their views up with facts these days" by not using facts to back up his views--in one short paragraph.

Ethics in advertising.

After I tweeted this...

My depression's measured by the size of the vehicle I'd like to put my head under. Last night was 'pogo stick.' Tonight is 'space shuttle.'

...@PogoBrian, who advertises the Vurtego Pogo Stick (the finest high-performance pogo stick every made), started following me.

Which either means that...

(1) he's encouraging me to commit suicide using his brand of pogo stick, or...

(2) he didn't read my tweet.

I can't decide which is more hurtful.

Pocahontas dark ride notes.

At the beginning of the summer, my sister and I brain-stormed a Pocahontas dark ride. Tonight, my friend Tim (who will either run Imagineering or build bombs that kill brown people) and I discussed it further. Here are our notes.


The loading dock is themed like a colonial London dock. We’re setting sail with the Virginia Company, and spend the ride (as / with) John Smith. The ride vehicles are modeled after the Discovery, the Susan Constant, and the Godspeed.


Our first room emulates the tumultuous, hellish, gray time at sea...leading up to a reveal of the new world--serene, verdant. Tonally, picture the reveal of Neverland in Peter Pan’s Flight.


The settlers do the “Mine, Mine, Mine” scene; excavating, cutting down, and generally molesting this natural setting. This will be one of few scenes where the focus is placed upon animatronic characters--by and large, this is a ride about the splendor of an undeveloped land.


We enter the bulk of the ride, greeted by an animatronic Pocahontas, and launch into a “Colors of the Wind” exhibition. Impressionistic colors and images would be projected upon a series of (mist / smoke) screens.

These screens might replace walls, separating rooms.

Perhaps, if we have a number of angled (mist / smoke) screens, we can create some sort of multi-plane effect.


The “Colors of the Wind” sequence is not just a series of movies. Physical effects will be incorporated in with the (mist / smoke) screens. For instance, during the lyrics “How high does the sycamore grow?” wall panels shaped like sycamore trees could scroll up from the floor, like the buildings in the ‘falling’ scene in the Amazing Adventures of Spider-Man. If the ride vehicle moved a certain way, the guests could feel like they were flying.

Using the same effect, but in the reverse, perhaps the ride vehicle could fall down a waterfall.

Perhaps there are other uses for animatronic landscapes. It’s a notion that’s been hinted at, but not really explored. The scrolling wall panels in Spider-Man, the occasional door that’s painted like a landscape, the trees that close in on guests in Snow White’s Scary Adventures. In theory, a ride about 'the splendor of this new world' should emphasize its landscape--and if the landscape were animatronic, it could emulate camera movements and enhance forced perspectives.

Tim swears he’ll think further about current technologies that would support this.


We have a running debate about the necessity of synopsizing the ride.

TIM’S SIDE: it would be awesome to represent the whole of the film. The Fantasyland dark rides have a precedent of synopsizing their respective films.

Guests boarding a Pocahontas ride would expect a proper ‘native vs. settler’ showdown, capitalized by Pocahontas’ noble stand to save John Smith’s life--and since the first part of the ride is pretty faithful to the early film, it may be jarring to hit them with that, and then kick them out without fulfilling their expectations.

Physically, there would be a dichotomy: the natives’ side is misty and colorful, while the settlers are characterized by fire and smoke. At the culmination, they would either switch, or maybe be indistinguishable from one another, showing that their hatred has made them indistinguishable from one another. Also, it would have a smell similar to Pirates of the Caribbean.

IAN’S SIDE: there are two major themes in Pocahontas--‘appreciating natural beauty,’ and ‘the dangers of xenophobia.’ “Colors of the Wind” is firmly about the former. We wouldn’t be able to do ‘the effects of xenophobia’ justice in such a small space, and if we tried, it would only detract from our “Colors of the Wind” centerpiece.

It may not be important to synopsize a story that guests already know. What’s important is a unique ride experience, and since it’s Fantasyland, it makes sense to link that into a story. But the ride should take priority, not the synopsis.

THIS COMPLICATES THINGS WAY TOO MUCH, but one way to address the ‘xenophobia’ plot is to have two separate dark rides that join in the middle, in the vein of Dueling Dragons. Guests could choose whether they wanted to start from the natives’ ride, or from the settlers’. The scenes would be phrased around their respective side’s perspective.

THE ANSWER MAY LIE in Peter Pan’s Flight, which spends most of its time exploring innovations with miniatures beneath a suspended ride vehicle, and then tacks on a few rote synopsis scenes.


Either way, the last room sees an animatronic Pocahontas waving to us, as we sail away from the new world...and return to our colonial London loading dock.


Ideally, this would be located on the border between Fantasyland and Liberty Square--where the Skyway queue used to be. The attraction, itself, would segue between the lands of "storybook Disney films" and "colonial America."

A quote from Nat.

I got 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 problems, and a googol ain't one.

The Creation of the Pyramid.

A new sketch!

My wrestling comic's done.

It features twenty-two panels (including the title), which employ a total of twenty-one different figures, and two backgrounds.

I watched five seasons of the American Office while making it.

It took twenty-six days to complete, and used one eraser exactly. The last rub erased the last pencil-mark off the last figure, and then the rubber went flat.

I made it for a pro wrestling website, which launches on August fifteenth. Once the website's up, I'll post it here.

But it's done, it came out well, and I'm proud as a peacock raised by lions.

A discussion from June.

Say, Ian--what's a good summer project that'll appeal to a broad audience and land us a creative job?

I've got just the thing! Let's make a comic strip that parodies professional wrestling!

A hole in one, by Jove! But let's restrict the comic to four panels, so that it won't take the entire summer.

That's a good ground rule, but twenty-one panels would make you really cool.

Really? Oh, I'd quite like to be cool!

Twenty-one panels of a professional wrestling comic strip will magnetize vaginas. Labias rushing to your face, like piglets to a nursing sow.

Like a beard of vaginas?

Draw a twenty-one panel pro wrestling comic, and you'll be shaving a beard of vaginas.