Grist for the mill.

MY GRANDMA
I wish you heard the conversation those people were having. It could go in a script.

ME
What were they talking about?

MY GRANDMA
Not a fucking thing.

Why Valencia?

My ex's boyfriend entered this video to win a scholarship to his college.

His community college.

Where he's pursuing an AA in Engineering.

My friend, Jae, posted a quote.

“'I think, therefore I am' is the statement of an intellectual who underrates toothaches. 'I feel, therefore I am' is a truth much more universally valid, and it applies to everything that’s alive. My self does not differ substantially from yours in terms of its thought. Many people, few ideas: we all think more or less the same, and we exchange, borrow, steal thoughts from one another. However, when someone steps on my foot, only I feel the pain. The basis of the self is not thought but suffering, which is the most fundamental of all feelings. While it suffers, not even a cat can doubt its unique and uninterchangeable self. In intense suffering the world disappears and each of us is alone with his self. Suffering is the university of egocentrism.”

--Milan Kundera, Immortality

I replied,

I like it, but how do we know that we’re not exchanging, borrowing, or stealing pain in the same way that we exchange, borrow, and steal ideas?

Jae replied,

Touché. I guess it depends on if you buy into Orwell's theory that "the only thing you can desire in relation to real pain is that it will stop," to the extent of sacrificing even those you love to escape it. But that centres around a view of humans as inherently egotistical & solipsistic, & unwilling to ever deliberately take on legitimately awful pain for those they love, which I personally am quite sceptical of.

Also, I suppose that one could argue that pain only exists when we are conscious of it. An idea can start to sustain itself, if written down or transmitted to enough people, but pain can only be present to you when you are experiencing it directly. Any indirect form of it is once-removed, & therefore maybe not actual pain? Anyway, I don't think I'm making any sense.

I don't know if she's making any sense, but I'm getting a headache trying to figure it out.

...shit, did I just prove her point?

Men are the weakest link.

"[My girlfriend] says the Human Centipede would have been less gross if the girls were up front in the chain, since girls don't poop."

- Nat.

Personally, I think she's full of shit.

Internet Law is a harsh mistress.

CLAIRE
Well, Wesley, a mentor on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, is lame...but then he moves to LA and becomes cool. (Y'know, like y'do.)

IAN
I wonder if that's a trope. Can you do me a favor? Check Wikipedia for a List of Mentors Who Move to LA and Become Cool.

CLAIRE
I'm not finding anything.

IAN
You know, Internet Law states that if you're the first person to search for something, and it doesn't exist, then you're the most qualified to write it. So...good luck!

CLAIRE
Damn it. I don't know anything about Mentors in LA! It's hopeless.

IAN
Look on the bright side: at least this wasn't an infraction of Rule 34. You could've typed "Michael Palin + Batman + felching," and been responsible for bringing it to life.

CLAIRE
What's felching? No, I take it back. I don't want to know.

IAN
Clever girl.

A round-table analysis of the Oslo bombing.

SPIEL
I'm surprised that there was a bombing in Norway. They're usually a pretty peaceful people.

RICHARD
You mean like their ancestors, the vikings?

SPIEL
Hey, man! They've turned over a new Lief!

IAN
If y'ask me, Spiel's off by a longship.

More flattery.

"I don't like disliking things! I'm just good at it!"

- Me, in a debate on Facebook.

"If we deleted everything else you've ever written, that line would be enough information."

- My friend, Alex.

Flattery.

I saw this, and thought of the story where Walt took his daughters to a dirty park, and became inspired to make Disneyland.

Is this a commentary on the decline of Disney culture, or just a shitty t-shirt?

Man, I’ve been reading your blog too much.

- My friend, Joe.

Go where you need to go.

The people who love you may not go with you.

Don't be dissuaded.

You're too important.

And they'll still love you.

Pass(ed)over!

I had a sub today. I'm not Jewish, but I felt guilty.

Then I kinda felt left out that it didn't matter.

Then I felt depressed that I'm not a Chosen One.

I'm gonna go drown myself in a package of Hawaiian rolls, liquor, and ziti.

- My poor friend, Cindy.

I wrote a joke yesterday.

The premise is okay, but the execution needs work. It goes:

I'm gonna put an assortment of my personal essays into one book, and call them a manual biography.

The punchline relies upon the audience associating a manual biography with an autobiography.

Unfortunately, the phrasing does a lousy job of leading the audience to the punchline. This was confirmed by my test audience. My mother was part of the test audience.

Meanwhile.

I've written a lot of poems. I hadn't read 'em for a while, but I remember they were publishable-ish. My ego could use a boost...and I guess I could deign to be published...so I looked back over the ol' oeuvre.

The good news: my poems are pretty good.

The bad news: my poems are all about male insecurity and masturbation.

There's not much of a market for that.

I presented this problem to my mother. "Should I widen the scope of my subject matter," I asked, "or should I publish a book of poems about male insecurity and masturbation?"

Mom thought hard for a moment, and then her eyes lit up.

"If you did the latter," she said, "it would definitely be a manual biography!"

Judah's phone beeps.

CLAIRE
Who texted you?

JUDAH
This girl I almost dated.

CLAIRE
You should almost date her now...only more.

JUDAH
(shakes his head)
She's Born Again now.

CLAIRE
Oh, so she's underage?

Texts from Lake Wobegon.

JOE
Do you ever listen to a Prairie Home Companion? I just discovered it and I fucking love it. I want Garrison Keillor's disembodied voice to narrate my life.

IAN
I'm fascinated by it, because I can't retain a word of it and don't find it funny...but somehow I also cherish it and understand that it's a comedy.

JOE
It's bizarre. I listen in the car and find myself singing along to songs I've never heard before, literally trying to say the words as I'm hearing them.

IAN
Are you saying it's like a primal scream, but sponsored by "Be-Bop-a-Re-Bop Rhubarb Pie?"

JOE
Yeah, pretty much. When the lyrics are like, "Are you from Ohio?/Could you look up and smile?/You remind me of someone I know," I contemplate driving my car into a lake because I don't understand that feeling of familiarity, depression, happiness, and self-hatred.

IAN
Don't do that! Garrison feeds on the souls who do that!

Eggcorn, ahoy!

Oh, wow, the expression is apparently "bated breath," not "baited breath." I am now insecure for past mistakes and excited for future pedantry!

- My friend, Andrew.

Too proud.

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo orange you glad I didn't say "Buffalo?" Wait. I think I did that wrong.

- My cousin, Andrew.

How cosmopolite!

"'Ramadan,' huh? Is that where you wait for Jesus to come out and, if he sees his shadow, we get a few more weeks of winter?"

- My cousin, Matt.

I've missed most of the things that he's said in his life, but I'm sure none of them were better than this.

A thirteen-word summary.

They whirl you around, and you play Duck Hunt, and that's the ride.

- Andrew's first impression of Toy Story (Midway) Mania!

BAAAAnter.

IAN
California Pizza Kitchen's menu over-stimulates me. If I ordered a pizza with, y'know, pizza toppings, I'd be an asshole--but their other pizzas are like those jelly beans from Harry Potter. "Tapioca and urine and sour cream! It turns crimson under a blacklight!"

JOAN
I just like the one with the goat cheese. I'll eat 'goat cheese and snot,' as long as there's goat cheese on the sucker. I honestly can't tell you what else is on that particular pizza. Peppers, maybe...

IAN
Y'know, I can't remember if I've ever had goat cheese. How would you describe it?

JOAN
Like a mouth orgasm. But less vicious.

IAN
I returned to Judaism this summer, so if that's accurate, I'll have to eat the goat cheese through a hole in a sheet. Will this hinder my experience?

JOAN
Just make it a big hole.

A quote from Nat.

I got 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,
999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 problems, and a googol ain't one.

One of the dumbest conversations I've ever had.

The context: my friend and I belong to a pro wrestling message board. On the board, there’s a series of articles called “the Hall of Shame.” These articles profile the dysfunctional lives of professional wrestlers.

Two “Hall of Shame” articles are mentioned in this conversation.

The first profile was on Davey Boy Smith, who allegedly drugged his wife, and then proceeded to rape her.

The second profile was on Jim Neidhart, who adopted Tyson Kidd when he was ten years old. Now Tyson Kidd and Nattie Neidhart (Jim Neidhart’s birth-daughter / Tyson Kidd’s adopted sister) have been dating for nine years.

Don't worry--the conversation's about 'incest,' and not really about 'pro wrestling.'

Without further ado...