Jeffrey Katzenberg hates this summer's movies.

The CEO of Dreamworks Animation opined, "The last seven or eight months of movies is the worst lineup of movies...in the last five years."

This is the head of a fucking studio, people. This is the man responsible for Kung Fu Panda 2. This is the Man, and he's sticking it to Himself.

I'm not much of a theater-goer, but the three movies I've seen this summer--Midnight in Paris, Horrible Bosses, and Winnie the Pooh--have been delightful. What the hell is Katzenberg complaining about?

Kung Fu Panda 2, presumably.

Surely his cranky outburst has nothing to do with the fact that 3D movies appear to be in decline. That would make it sound like his evil fucking passion project isn't paying off. That would make him sound defensive.

No, Jeffrey Katzenberg is right. 3D movies would be unimpeachable, but all of the movies this summer are horrible. Here are some other things that are hindering the success of 3D movies.

The Holocaust.

Mars' alignment with Jupiter.

Not Me, the mischievous gremlin from the Family Circus.

2D movies, for being "too visual."

Weapons of Mass Destruction.

The sun being in Jeffrey Katzenberg's eyes! He wants a do-over!!

The lack of 3D radio programs.

The gay gene.

Jeffrey Katzenberg's father, for missing the first inning of Jeffrey's little league debut.

Theater, for being the dominant form of 3D entertainment. If only the public would give movies a chance!!

The second dimension, Width, for not pulling its weight.

Roy Disney.

Reality, for being "too visual."

At this point...

...I've spent most of my fucking life writing a screenplay called Awestruck.

It's a buddy comedy between God and a skeptic. This will be my last draft, for better or worse.

I'd like to share the backstory with you. Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

More flattery.

"I don't like disliking things! I'm just good at it!"

- Me, in a debate on Facebook.

"If we deleted everything else you've ever written, that line would be enough information."

- My friend, Alex.

Flattery.

I saw this, and thought of the story where Walt took his daughters to a dirty park, and became inspired to make Disneyland.

Is this a commentary on the decline of Disney culture, or just a shitty t-shirt?

Man, I’ve been reading your blog too much.

- My friend, Joe.

Go where you need to go.

The people who love you may not go with you.

Don't be dissuaded.

You're too important.

And they'll still love you.

Return of the mass grave jokes!

Some literary places for a mass grave:

beneath the corpse that's beneath the floorboards,
in an enchanted wardrobe,
under Yertle the Turtle.

Some Shakespearean places for a mass grave:

at the end of every fucking tragedy,
dressed as women onstage,
buried amid Kenneth Branagh's ego.

Some poetic, American places for a mass grave:

at the end of the road less traveled,
dragged through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
in the icebox to probably save for breakfast.

I put the "erotic" in "neurotic."

Or anyway, I would, if "neurotic" was spelled without a U.

And I was a better in bed.

And my penis wasn't frail.


On second thought, I'll leave "erotic" where it is.

A simple word.

Dirgedicate, v., To sympathize with sad music so thoroughly that you start to feel better, since there's someone who's as sad as you...

...but you get sad again when you remember that they've made music and you haven't done anything.

AT NIGHT

leaves fall on the tennis court.

BEFORE WORK
a tennis coach sweeps the court.

AT WORK
the tennis coach guilts me.

DURING WORK
no leaves fall on the tennis court.

AT NIGHT
leaves fall on the tennis court.

seventeen syllables

tear away your shedding skin
like the tablecloth under
the dishes