I used to cry because I had no shoes...

...until I met a man with no feet. He laughed at my pettiness, which improved his mood, and he went on to have a nice day, but I still had no shoes, so now I cry twice as hard.

The Pulitzer Tweets.

I tweet a joke.

@ENKEsq
Not saying we should, but if we fused English and Hebrew into a new language, palindroms could be read from left-to-right AND right-to-left.

A day passes.

I get pissy at having so few followers.

@ENKEsq
If I've followed you and you haven't reciprocated, it's fine. Maybe you'll read my English-Hebrew Palindrome joke WHEN IT WINS A PULITZER.

@PulitzerTweets
(re-tweets me)
If I've followed you and you haven't reciprocated, it's fine. Maybe you'll read my English-Hebrew Palindrome joke WHEN IT WINS A PULITZER.

[MY FRIEND]
How will the people who aren't following you read your spite?

@ENKEsq
They'll see it when my People Who Aren't Follwing Me joke wins me MY SECOND PULITZER.

@PulitzerTweets does not re-tweet this.

@ENKEsq
@PulitzerTweets re-tweeted my first Pulitzer joke, but not the second. Fine. Maybe they'll re-tweet it WHEN IT WINS AN EMMY.

If I admitted that...

...I think about you while masturbating, it would be creepy,

but if you knew how often I did it, you'd be flattered,
but if you were flattered, then you'd be happy,

and you're never happy in my fantasies,
so out of self-interest,

I ain't admitting nothing.

Men are the weakest link.

"[My girlfriend] says the Human Centipede would have been less gross if the girls were up front in the chain, since girls don't poop."

- Nat.

Personally, I think she's full of shit.

Internet Law is a harsh mistress.

CLAIRE
Well, Wesley, a mentor on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, is lame...but then he moves to LA and becomes cool. (Y'know, like y'do.)

IAN
I wonder if that's a trope. Can you do me a favor? Check Wikipedia for a List of Mentors Who Move to LA and Become Cool.

CLAIRE
I'm not finding anything.

IAN
You know, Internet Law states that if you're the first person to search for something, and it doesn't exist, then you're the most qualified to write it. So...good luck!

CLAIRE
Damn it. I don't know anything about Mentors in LA! It's hopeless.

IAN
Look on the bright side: at least this wasn't an infraction of Rule 34. You could've typed "Michael Palin + Batman + felching," and been responsible for bringing it to life.

CLAIRE
What's felching? No, I take it back. I don't want to know.

IAN
Clever girl.

Pure Imagineering.

I used to Hate on creative missteps in the Disney parks.

Now I've decided to use my powers for Good by writing Disney Theme Park Fan Fiction!!

(...that sounded healthier in my head.)

Check out my new blog, Pure Imagineering!

I love EPCOT.

I do. But I love it mostly for its ambition, and less so for its reality. The things that (should have existed / used to exist / ought to exist) fascinate me much more than the things that do exist.

I dunno what my favorite park is, but it's probably not EPCOT.

I notice that it is the favorite of most of the (worthwhile) Disney bloggers. It speaks well of the park. Its fans are learned, thorough, and insightful.

This got me wondering which personality types the other parks attract. Here's my speculation.


If your favorite park is...
...let's be honest, you're the only sort of person who'd read a blog post like this. Hullo!


If your favorite park is...
...go to Disneyland and change your mind.


If your favorite park is...
...then some of your other favorite things include vanilla ice cream, the Beatles, and the missionary position.


If your favorite park is...
...then some of your other favorite things include pistachio ice cream, Dexy's Midnight Runners, and genital mutilation.


If your favorite park is...
...bless you, you're doing the Lord's work.


If your favorite park is...
...you're lying, and we should hang out and shit-talk sometime.

A round-table analysis of the Oslo bombing.

SPIEL
I'm surprised that there was a bombing in Norway. They're usually a pretty peaceful people.

RICHARD
You mean like their ancestors, the vikings?

SPIEL
Hey, man! They've turned over a new Lief!

IAN
If y'ask me, Spiel's off by a longship.

Jeffrey Katzenberg hates this summer's movies.

The CEO of Dreamworks Animation opined, "The last seven or eight months of movies is the worst lineup of movies...in the last five years."

This is the head of a fucking studio, people. This is the man responsible for Kung Fu Panda 2. This is the Man, and he's sticking it to Himself.

I'm not much of a theater-goer, but the three movies I've seen this summer--Midnight in Paris, Horrible Bosses, and Winnie the Pooh--have been delightful. What the hell is Katzenberg complaining about?

Kung Fu Panda 2, presumably.

Surely his cranky outburst has nothing to do with the fact that 3D movies appear to be in decline. That would make it sound like his evil fucking passion project isn't paying off. That would make him sound defensive.

No, Jeffrey Katzenberg is right. 3D movies would be unimpeachable, but all of the movies this summer are horrible. Here are some other things that are hindering the success of 3D movies.

The Holocaust.

Mars' alignment with Jupiter.

Not Me, the mischievous gremlin from the Family Circus.

2D movies, for being "too visual."

Weapons of Mass Destruction.

The sun being in Jeffrey Katzenberg's eyes! He wants a do-over!!

The lack of 3D radio programs.

The gay gene.

Jeffrey Katzenberg's father, for missing the first inning of Jeffrey's little league debut.

Theater, for being the dominant form of 3D entertainment. If only the public would give movies a chance!!

The second dimension, Width, for not pulling its weight.

Roy Disney.

Reality, for being "too visual."

At this point...

...I've spent most of my fucking life writing a screenplay called Awestruck.

It's a buddy comedy between God and a skeptic. This will be my last draft, for better or worse.

I'd like to share the backstory with you. Let's start at the beginning, shall we?