Too proud.

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo orange you glad I didn't say "Buffalo?" Wait. I think I did that wrong.

- My cousin, Andrew.

My ex's boyfriend.

Part One.

One drunken night, I texted my favorite people on the planet. The text read, "You are one of my favorite people on the planet, and I love you."

Sadie was pissed.

"I meant it platonically," I clarified, and it was true...but that wasn't her problem.

"My boyfriend and I haven't said 'I love you' yet," she explained, "because we don't want to say it until we mean it," her voice hovered between shame and pride, "and it's not fair for you to say 'I love you' before my boyfriend does."

They're living together now. They still haven't said "I love you." Sadie insists that this is ideal, because they're taking it slowly.

It makes sense. Her turd of a boyfriend has commitment issues. Before getting with Sadie, he was engaged for eight years. And he's only thirteen years old.

Sadie has commitment issues, too. We were all-but-married, and then I cheated on her and moved across the country.

A problem.

Twenty-seven days into No-Shave November.

Through natural means, I have achieved something that twelve-time world heavyweight champion Hollywood Hogan could not.

That's right, brother: I've grown a blonde moustache and a dark beard.

Also, I didn't have to shrink my balls to get my arms so large.

Tonight at Thanksgiving...

...a family entered my grandparents' house, hugged everyone, and then realized they were in the wrong house.

A new word.

Squidface, n., A talented actor in an insulting role.

v., A talented actor's portrayal of an insulting role.

adj., Having the property of a squidface.

Ex., "Maggie Smith was squidfaced in Sister Act II: Back in the Habit."

The word is derived from the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels, who thought Bill Nighy would evoke more pathos if he had a fucking squid on his face.



John Hurt is a commonly squidfaced actor. Consider his roles in films like...

Hellboy (a mentor who's killed before he can impart any wisdom),

V for Vendetta (a yelling face on a wall),

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (a lobotomized plot device),

and the Harry Potter series (a dude who gets a line sometimes).

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part One is significant, as it squidfaces both Bill Nighy (a grumbly dude who's killed offscreen) and John Hurt (a dude who gets throttled in a flashback, and then gets one line).

Some more mass grave jokes.

Some polite places for a mass grave:

helping to complete a quorum,
raked in with the autumn leaves,
separated from the plastics and the aluminums.

Some puckish places for a mass grave:

inside a spring-loaded can of peanuts,
balanced atop a door that's been left slightly ajar for the next person who walks in,
up the rectum of a man who's expecting a gerbil.

Some upsetting places for a mass grave:

in your soup,
hogging the only restroom in a Mexican restaurant,
not at the movies (even though they said they'd meet you).

Eighteen days into No-Shave November.

God Himself keeps my moustache separate from my beard.

If ever my facial hairs should meet, it will mean the End of Days.

"Heeeere's Waldo!"

Comedy by Numbers.

I hate that I have to say this. I mean, I love being sanctimonious, but I wish the subject matter was a little less obvious.

Just because your comedy...

1. is lit like a comedy,
2. features actors who deliver your tedious script as if it was funny, and
3. alludes to pop culture where it should have jokes

...doesn't mean it's a comedy.

Your comedy is a comedy if...

1. it's funny.

Jokes are the most surefire way to be funny.

Another way to be funny is by acting silly. It's important to recognize that "acting silly" is not the same as "making a joke."

Acting silly is easier than making a joke, because acting silly...

1. takes no effort, and
2. cashes in on a cheap "You Had to Be There" laugh.

If your comedy is only funny because it features a bunch of people acting silly, it will age like ground beef.

So let's leave acting silly, and discuss jokes.

Jokes are either...

1. an exaggeration or
2. a denial

...of a true statement.

Furthermore, jokes have the same structure. The parts of a joke are...

1. a set-up,
2. an escalation, and
3. a twist.

Any of these parts may be...

1. implied or
2. repeated

...within the same joke, but they're always present.

There. Now you can write jokes.

If your comedy doesn't have jokes, it will age like an anal gerbil.

I hope you're listening, Hollywood. I care too much to watch you struggle with this any longer.

It's time to start taking comedy seriously.