Friday, December 3, 2010

How I became a snob.

In September of 1990, I was five, and my grandma was babysitting me.

To fill the time, we went to see a movie called the Witches. According to the newspaper, it was a children's movie, and it starred Anjelica Huston. These facts made it an ideal choice for the both of us.

What a cute movie!


In the first minute of the film, a witch kidnaps a little girl and traps her in a painting in her parents' house. The little girl spends the rest of her life in the painting, unable to move or speak, and then she dies.

So I walked out.

Or I would have...if my nurturing, lovely grandma hadn't grabbed me by the armpits, lifted me off my feet, and fastened me down into her lap.

My grandma's a oozhassny baboochka, she is.


I was trapped, and the movie got scarier, and my grandma's grip got tighter. This stalemate continued for hours, days, weeks...

...until finally, on the anniversary of our entering the theater, I realized how good the little girl in the painting had it. She got to spend her life sentence watching her living room, whereas I was gonna die watching the Witches.

Once I abandoned all hope of escaping, it dawned on me...the plot was kinda cool. And the jokes were sorta funny. And the effects were vaguely awesome. And yeah, I was frightened, but only because I still had hope for the characters.

By the end of the film, I was riveted, and my hope was rewarded with a happy ending.

She found subtler eye shadow, and they all lived happily ever after.


My grandma took me for pizza afterwards, and we talked about how the film made us feel.

"It made me scared of dying," I said, and the thought was still frightening, but saying it with a mouthful of pepperoni made it kinda funny.

"It didn't make me scared of dying," my grandma said, "but I know how you feel."

Just like that, the fear of mortality, that insurmountable feeling of loneliness and despair and loss and futility, was diminished into a few words...and it was okay to feel it.

Just like that, I understood that the very act of expression means you're not alone.

In all, it was a pretty good day with my grandma.

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