Sunday, November 14, 2010

The legacy of Captain EO.

Once upon a time, there was an R&B artist named Michael Jackson.

Michael was so popular that the Walt Disney Company cast him in a short film called Captain EO. They showed the film in their theme parks all around the world.

The film was incoherent and shitty, but Michael was so popular that no one seemed to care.

This was both, the poster and the screenplay.

One day, Michael bought the Elephant Man's skeleton and used it to sodomize little boys. The Walt Disney Company didn’t want this sort of stigma in their theme parks. They replaced Captain EO with another short film, Honey, I Shrunk the Audience.

Honey was an improvement, because it was coherent and shitty.

Meanwhile, Michael spent a few years being a punch-line, and then he died, and then everyone pretended that they cared.

This was exactly the sort of stigma that the Walt Disney Company wanted in their theme parks. Nostalgia sells! They would restore Captain EO to their theme parks all around the world.

Of course, they knew that this was a sensitive matter. They were exploiting the death of a human being, after all.

That's why they waited a whole nine months to do it.

While that's a long time for morality, it's nothing to the Walt Disney Company. They usually wait years before updating an attractiong...but not with Captain EO. They capitalized on Michael Jackson's death before a single maggot could say, "I can't eat this. Whatever it is, it's definitely not flesh."

Indeed, the punctuality was remarkable. Many subjects have inspired attractions, like fantasy, oceanography, futurism...even Californian history, if you'll believe it! But the restoration of Captain EO was the first attraction inspired by a recent tragedy.

What a juicy subject! Imagine the new attractions that could spawn from recent tragedies! Plus, we live in an awful universe, so recent tragedies are a renewable resource!

But they did have to be recent tragedies. No one would care if they installed an animatronic John Wilkes Booth into Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln, because Lincoln was assassinated in, like, the Cretaceous period.

So the Walt Disney Company had their best Imagineers design attractions based on recent tragedies. Here are their top contenders.

September 11 Attack!

There will be two roller coasters, like the Dragon Challenge. They will be themed like airplanes.

There will be two drop towers, like the Tower of Terror. Guess how they'll be themed!

The coasters will crash into the towers, and all four ride vehicles will fall on the queue.

I never forgot Disney's September 11 Attack!™,
and all I got was this lousy photo!

Anyone who survives gets a Fast Pass to...

“Operation: Iraqi Freedom?” I Hardly Know ‘Em!

This will be a dark ride set in an impoverished Iraqi village.

The story: you're waiting for the villagers to die of starvation so that Big Oil can claim their assets. You wait, and you sit in your ride vehicle, which is themed like a tank that isn't bulletproof, and you fucking wait.

"Really?" you ask. "We're just waiting? How long does the ride last, then?"

It's un-American to ask.

If we evac, the terrorists win.

"What be I offered for this winsome wench?
Stout-hearted and unfed, she be."

The Abu Ghraib Laugh Floor.

This will be a digital puppet show.

Laugh along with Donald Rumsfeld and a digital stage full of soldiers as they humiliate prisoners of war!

This interactive spectacle even lets you suggest cruel, unusual, and hilarious punishments via text message!

"Hey, this guy's buying everyone churros!"

Lisa Nowak’s Wild Ride.

This will be a dark ride based on the adventure of a zany astronaut.

First you'll strap on a diaper, and then you'll zig and zag your way from Houston to Orlando!

Join Lisa on a madcap journey to kidnap her ex's new girlfriend! If you bring the pepper spray, she'll bring the kind of moxie that put a flag on the moon!

She's got...SPACE...MADNESS!

The Post-Katrina Cruise.

This will be a themed land and boat ride.

Or anyway, it will be a re-themed land. We'll flood New Orleans Square and stop maintaining it. Voila! As for the boat ride...

Board the saddest cruise that ever sailed! Your guide is a skipper who’s telling jokes in Creole, and/or suffering from meth withdrawal!

Fair warning: don't expect to meet-and-greet Sheriff Woody, Space Ranger Buzz Lightyear, or the princesses. All of the characters who represent the government won't be anywhere near this land.

Last week, they stole six boats.
But don't worry...only five of them were mine.

Daniel Pearl Hats.

These will be available in every gift shop.

After those terrorists decapitated Daniel Pearl, you just know they played with his head.

They kicked it around. One probably quipped, “Are we playing football or headball?!” and the others all laughed and said something about quitting while they were ahead.

At the very least, they used his head as a puppet and made some really silly faces.

Like this, but with a dead journalist’s head.

Why should Pakistani terrorists have all the fun? Hence: hats styled after Daniel Pearl’s noggin. They’ll be stocked beside those hats that look like mice scalps.

Fundamentalists may have murdered an innocent man...but if they want to be in vogue this season, they’ll have to replace their turbans with good ol’ American novelty hats.

Quid pro quo, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Quid pro quo.

The Deepwater Horizon Wellspring.

This will be the first water park to feature a fireworks show.

What's more, the fireworks can happen at any time, in any part of the park!

All food is deep fried to order!

But don’t wait to visit; it will only open seasonally!

...or anyway, it will be open seasonally if the Walt Disney Company figures out how to close it.

Pope John Paul II Urinals.

They'll be worthy of the most Venerable urinary tract infections.

The first urinals made from bits of pilfered world wonders!

We'll also install Pope Benedict XVI sensors. These sensors will look for child molestation in every bathroom. If they're tripped, they won't alert anyone.

But that's not all!

We’ll have a wild mouse roller coaster themed like Princess Diana's limousine!

We’ll have a model house that seems ordinary--until an animatronic Chris Benoit comes in, murders your family, and then kills himself!

We’ll build a wall around the World Showcase! Keep those immigrants out of our Future World! You don't like it? Go back to the Outpost, Esteban!

Deep down in our bodies, deep down in our souls, we are here to change Disney World...

...just like Michael would have wanted.

"The Walt Disney Company deserves your money!"

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