Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I love EPCOT.

I do. But I love it mostly for its ambition, and less so for its reality. The things that (should have existed / used to exist / ought to exist) fascinate me much more than the things that do exist.

I dunno what my favorite park is, but it's probably not EPCOT.

I notice that it is the favorite of most of the (worthwhile) Disney bloggers. It speaks well of the park. Its fans are learned, thorough, and insightful.

This got me wondering which personality types the other parks attract. Here's my speculation.

If your favorite park is...
...let's be honest, you're the only sort of person who'd read a blog post like this. Hullo!

If your favorite park is...
...go to Disneyland and change your mind.

If your favorite park is...
...then some of your other favorite things include vanilla ice cream, the Beatles, and the missionary position.

If your favorite park is...
...then some of your other favorite things include pistachio ice cream, Dexy's Midnight Runners, and genital mutilation.

If your favorite park is...
...bless you, you're doing the Lord's work.

If your favorite park is...'re lying, and we should hang out and shit-talk sometime.

Monday, July 25, 2011

A round-table analysis of the Oslo bombing.

I'm surprised that there was a bombing in Norway. They're usually a pretty peaceful people.

You mean like their ancestors, the vikings?

Hey, man! They've turned over a new Lief!

If y'ask me, Spiel's off by a longship.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Jeffrey Katzenberg hates this summer's movies.

The CEO of Dreamworks Animation opined, "The last seven or eight months of movies is the worst lineup of the last five years."

This is the head of a fucking studio, people. This is the man responsible for Kung Fu Panda 2. This is the Man, and he's sticking it to Himself.

I'm not much of a theater-goer, but the three movies I've seen this summer--Midnight in Paris, Horrible Bosses, and Winnie the Pooh--have been delightful. What the hell is Katzenberg complaining about?

Kung Fu Panda 2, presumably.

Surely his cranky outburst has nothing to do with the fact that 3D movies appear to be in decline. That would make it sound like his evil fucking passion project isn't paying off. That would make him sound defensive.

No, Jeffrey Katzenberg is right. 3D movies would be unimpeachable, but all of the movies this summer are horrible. Here are some other things that are hindering the success of 3D movies.

The Holocaust.

Mars' alignment with Jupiter.

Not Me, the mischievous gremlin from the Family Circus.

2D movies, for being "too visual."

Weapons of Mass Destruction.

The sun being in Jeffrey Katzenberg's eyes! He wants a do-over!!

The lack of 3D radio programs.

The gay gene.

Jeffrey Katzenberg's father, for missing the first inning of Jeffrey's little league debut.

Theater, for being the dominant form of 3D entertainment. If only the public would give movies a chance!!

The second dimension, Width, for not pulling its weight.

Roy Disney.

Reality, for being "too visual."

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

At this point...

...I've spent most of my fucking life writing a screenplay called Awestruck.

It's a buddy comedy between God and a skeptic. This will be my last draft, for better or worse.

I'd like to share the backstory with you. Let's start at the beginning, shall we?