Sunday, September 26, 2010

My first hater!

Some vapid guy disliked my Toy Story (Midway) Mania! editorial, and then he said vapid things, and then he implied that I'm a murderer.

I replied:

Hi, Bob!

I'm the Ian Kay in question, and no, I haven't killed anyone in a Woolworth's. One time, I under-tipped a waitress who was really curt about whether she'd given us our complimentary pickles, but that's as far as it went.

I didn't mean to be so anonymous; blame my (1) Blogger illiteracy, and (2) not wanting to belabor points in the comments section. The article is polarizing, and both sides are stubborn. From my end, I've made peace with 'instigating a shouting session' instead of 'provoking a discussion.'

And I appreciate your thoughts on the ride, though I (obviously) disagree. dunno. Can I help you with something? Were you looking to speak with me?

Or were you simply using my article as an effigy against Re-Imagineering? If that's the case, let me be clear: I was a guest writer. I have as much editorial control over that blog as you. If my opinions reflect the other writers', I don't know it.

If you'd like to get in touch with the blog's owners, I suggest leaving a comment. They approve all comments before posting them. It's how I submitted my article, and I imagine that if you wrote a rebuttal, there's a chance that they'd feature that, too.

(the Not Good but Certainly Well-Intentioned) Ian Kay.

Elsewhere on the internets, the editorial was quoted! And this writer goes on to suggest improvements that are much better than that shitty, shitty ride deserves!

I am proud to be featured on your blog, Grumpyfan.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I love crossing things off of my 'To Do' list.

I'll include obvious things, like "showering" and "brushing my teeth," just so I'll have more to cross off.

But I get carried away, and my 'To Do' list gets very, very long. Like, toilet paper-length. Granted, it includes things like "blinking" and "existing," but the length can get so overwhelming that I can't deal with it, and I have a melt-down.

For months, my 'To Do' list either increased my productivity, or reduced me to nihilistic despair.

And then, one day, I included "have a melt-down" on my 'To Do' list. Now that I work it into my schedule, I always feel productive!

...except on the days when I feel wonderful and don't have a melt-down. Those are really depressing.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

George Lucas has never seen the Empire Strikes Back, Part One.

The Empire Strikes Back is the most important sequel since the New Testament. Everyone thinks it's the best Star Wars film. Everyone, that is, except George Lucas, who dismisses it as "the worst one."

This is because he's never seen it.

He didn't write it. He didn't direct it. He's never seen it.

Looking back, it makes sense. There are parts of Return of the Jedi and the prequel trilogy that ignore, parody, and even contradict the events in Empire. Some of them are so egregious, you start to wonder if you know the film better than the film-maker.

Well, if you've seen the Empire Strikes Back once, congratulations: you know the film better than the film-maker.

Here is the first piece of evidence in my ongoing research:

1. The protagonist's character arc is resolved off-screen.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

My cover letter for an internship at io9.

I was fourteen when I rejected Judaism. It wasn't easy. The religion meant a lot to me, and I felt so betrayed that I chopped off its legs and left it to die on a lava planet--all while lamenting, "You were the chosen ones!"

In Judaism's place, there was a gaping, God-shaped hole. To fill it, I sought out worlds which I knew were designed. Enter: science fiction. Yes, some of these worlds were designed more intelligently than others ("I don't care if they kidnapped an ape, Daniel Quinn; continue your essay on sociopolitics!"), but at least there was someone to take responsibility when things went wrong.

It wasn't long before my God-shaped hole got hungry again. It wanted a house of worship; a forum, where like-minded individuals could grok themselves, each other, life, the universe, and everything.

Ideally, this forum would be funny, literate, comprehensive, and chic. It would have a unified authorial voice, despite its many contributors and vast subject matter. It would have a stylish purple logo.

Yeah, right. Like that could exist.

In the mean time, I bored family, friends, and classmates with my short stories, films, and comics. I earned a Master's degree in Screenwriting from the University of Southern California. I blogged for six years.

When I wasn't writing, drawing, or filming, I was researching anything that could inspire a new idea: books, films, even science articles (especially if they had simple words and colorful pictures).

My God-shaped hole was nourished, but not sated. Fine; I could preach on behalf of science fiction--but I was still missing a house of worship. Suddenly, and without warning, there was an internship position at io9.

(Admittedly, I fudged the timeline to strengthen my narrative, here. I've been reading io9 since 2008. But that only makes the opportunity to intern for you more exciting.)

One way or another, I intend to worship science fiction. I truly hope you'll give me the opportunity to do so. After all, I live in Los Angeles, and it would be easy to fall in with those insistent folks who are battling the influence of Xenu and his Galactic Confederacy.

Monday, September 13, 2010

God made a Divine Plan.

If God changes the Divine Plan, then He's fallible.

If God can't change the Divine Plan, then He's subordinate.

If God and the Divine Plan are synonymous, then every time you pray for something that doesn't happen, you've insulted God.

Either stop praying, or acknowledge that God sucks.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The etymology of "Fantasmic."

Fantasmic is a show at Disneyland where Mickey Mouse battles a bunch of villains, and there's fireworks and lasers and mist screen projections and things. It's basically a live, opulent DVD commercial.
This is ALMOST as exciting as experiencing a whole
new way of watching movies--on Disney Blu-ray™!!

But what's the derivation of the word "Fantasmic?" Clearly it's a portmanteau, and the first half is "fantasy," but what's the second half?

...surely it's not "orgasmic?"

I mean, "orgasmic" is appropriate, since the show is a rush of sensation and pleasure. But it's inappropriate, since--as far as I know--it's never made its young audience ejaculate. So if "Fantasmic" is a portmanteau of "fantasy" and "orgasmic," it's false advertising.

Fortunately, "orgasmic" isn't the only option. The internet was kind enough to compile a list of words that end with "-asmic." Here are the most compelling.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

How cosmopolite!

"'Ramadan,' huh? Is that where you wait for Jesus to come out and, if he sees his shadow, we get a few more weeks of winter?"
- My cousin, Matt.

I've missed most of the things that he's said in his life, but I'm sure none of them were better than this.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Putting the 'Oy!' in 'unemployed.'

I found out I didn't get a job as a library assistant...

...when I walked into the library, and saw new assistants.

I've been a patron for two years, I have a Master's degree, and I even floss every day--and I couldn't get an interview for a part-time job as a library assistant.

To make matters worse, the assistant who helped me was condescending, the way your newly-divorced mother's boyfriend would be.

Hey, buddy! What sort of dinosaur do you have on your shirt? Is it a brontosaurus?

No, it's a velociraptor. He's riding a penny-farthing.

Wowee! You sure know your dinosaurs!

He ended the interaction by giving me a high five...

...and encore'd with a fist bump.

I was so upset, I threw a tantrum, and demanded that he buy me ice cream.

Barbicidal intent!

I said, "Buzz everything, but leave me some bangs."

My barber heard, "Slant-headed Karloff."

When he revealed this masterpiece, he asked, "Whaddya think?!" and his eyes were so vulnerable that I said, "Great job!!"

Those eyes...Christ...he could've scalped me, and I'd've still said, "Great job!!"

If only he'd given me his eyes, instead of this hair-cut...