Thicker than water.

My little cousin asked me how boats float.

I explained that boats are filled with mosquitos, because mosquitos are able to land on top of water. Mosquitos make boats buoyant.

Two weeks later, my little cousin trekked into the swamp and purposely got herself covered in mosquitos.

I'm just glad she drowned before the malaria kicked in.

The Aristocrats, the Haiku.

Family acts vile.
Agent asks what their act's called.
"The Aristocrats!"

I was feeling adventurous...

...so I put my iTunes on 'shuffle' while I was wanking. The score of Full Metal Jacket came on.

I shot a blank.

I didn't want my pipe clogged, so I changed the track and wanked again. This time, it was the score of a Clockwork Orange.

I got really, really sick before I could finish.

By now, it was a point of pride. I changed the track and returned to wanking, now to the score of Spartacus.

It worked, but it was so underwhelming that I disowned the spunk.

Pass(ed)over!

I had a sub today. I'm not Jewish, but I felt guilty.

Then I kinda felt left out that it didn't matter.

Then I felt depressed that I'm not a Chosen One.

I'm gonna go drown myself in a package of Hawaiian rolls, liquor, and ziti.

- My poor friend, Cindy.

Some wordsmithery.

Pre-nostalgia, n., When you're happy, and someone's about to take a photograph of you, and you think, "I hope when I see that photo, I feel as good as I feel right now."

Unintended consequences.

Martin Luther nailed his Ninety-Five Theses to the door of a church.

He didn't mind inciting the Protestant Reformation. That was fine.

But he was dissapointed that he didn't provoke a trend of minimalist wallpaper.