INT. MORGUE - DAY
ELI enters to find WATFORD, his fellow morgue technician, in a panic, working at the freezer panel.
WATFORD
The freezer’s broken and we’re being audited by the health inspector today!
ELI
We’ve got to get rid of these corpses before they spoil!
WATFORD
How can we get rid of two hundred corpses by noon?
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
CHILDREN play in their yards. They all freeze as they hear an ICE CREAM TRUCK JINGLE...playing “Taps.”
Around the corner drives an ICE CREAM HEARSE. The children bolt for it, whooping and cheering as they run.
A SERIES OF SHOTS.
- AT THE HEARSE
Eli passes a frosty corpse from the trunk to a child. The corpse is much too large for the child, but he manages to drag it away while gnawing at its face.
- WITH A CHILD
A child struggles to bite off a big chunk of his corpse’s flesh, but in the process, drops the rest of the body in the dirt. His eyes water...
...but Watford puts a consoling hand on his shoulder, and offers him a fresh corpse.
WATFORD
That’s alright, pal. Just try to be more careful.
- WITH A CHILD
This child pries open his corpse’s eyelids. The corpse’s eyes have been replaced with gum-balls...
...which he pulls out and eats, and then throws the rest of the corpse in the garbage.
- AT THE HEARSE
A child gets to the front of the line and presents his order to Eli.
CHILD
I’d like a triple scoop, please.
Eli turns. Three corpses are laid out behind him: one AFRICAN AMERICAN, one CAUCASIAN, and one AMERICAN INDIAN.
The child watches as Eli scoops guts from the African American and the caucasian, but protests when Eli reaches the American Indian.
CHILD (CONT’D)
I don’t really want that one.
ELI
No one does.
Eli scoops a second helping of African American, instead, which the child appreciates.
- WITH A CHILD
A child pries off the top of his corpse’s head. He licks voraciously at the exposed brain...but he licks too much, too quickly...
...and winces in pain at a sudden, overwhelming headache.
- AT A SODA SHOP
A couple sits in a booth, sharing a coffin with two straws.
INT. HEARSE, DAY
Eli and Watford drive back to the morgue. Watford eats a body part on a popsicle stick.
ELI
It’s almost noon. Did we get rid of them all?
WATFORD
(re: the popsicle)
Almost.
(reads the popsicle stick)
”What did the dentist say to the marching band?”
ELI
I dunno; what?
WATFORD
I dunno; I haven’t finished yet.
Suddenly: Watford and Eli gasp. THE HEALTH INSPECTOR is waiting for them IN THE MORGUE PARKING LOT, hands on his hips. Eli and Watford exit the car.
HEALTH INSPECTOR
In all my years of auditing, I have never seen such irresponsible, unhygienic, cannibalis--
(voice goes hoarse)
--canniba--
(coughs violently)
--canni...
The health inspector doubles over, clutching his throat. Watford rushes to him as Eli runs inside.
ELI
Bring him inside! I’ll prep for surgery!
INT. MORGUE - DAY
Eli removes a pair of bloody gloves and washes his hands, a job well-done. The health inspector rubs his throat.
ELI
Don’t worry, health inspector: your tonsils won’t be bothering you any more.
HEALTH INSPECTOR
It still hurts a lot.
WATFORD (O.S.)
I know just the thing for such a brave little guy...!
Watford enters, and present the health inspector with a bowl of frozen body parts. The health inspector eats the rest of Watford’s body part on a popsicle stick, then reads the stick.
HEALTH INSPECTOR
“Here’s a tuba tooth-paste.”
Everyone laughs.
IRIS OUT.
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